After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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