Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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