i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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