haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
