My underwear smells like fireworks.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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