you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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