If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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