dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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