sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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