Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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