i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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