I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
