Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
