My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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