Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
