Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
