My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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