turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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