just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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