They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
