Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He did a backflip because drugs
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
