This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
