i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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