Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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