This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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