i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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