Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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