i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
