Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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