a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
