I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
