We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
