my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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