The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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