Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You are a genius and a whore.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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