I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
