I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
