not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
