Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
