it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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