I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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