Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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