No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
