i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
