I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
