walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
