I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
