Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
