If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
