ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
